Are you guilty of GUILT?
Guilt. It is something we have probably all felt at one time or another.
What is it? What causes it? What can we do
with it?
Wikipedia defines guilt as “a cognitive or emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard and bears significant responsibility for that violation. What I find most interesting is the part about “accurately or not.” I have found that people often times feel guilty even if they haven’t done anything wrong.
I had the privilege recently of discussing guilt with people on my free call in August. Here’s what people said about guilt:
- It’s wishing I would have done things differently. It goes way back to when I was 15 years old. It is regret for me.
- It involves making choices between other people and me. I feel wrong about either action I take. I make a choice and say “yes” and it isn’t always the best choice for me so I feel guilt either way.
- It’s when I am not available for everyone. If my kids need me and I’m not there, I feel guilty and then the guilt turns to anger.
- It isn’t about me taking time for myself. I’m okay with that. It’s when I start thinking about my son and how he feels about not getting to be with me and that’s when I feel guilty.
- It comes up when I put myself first and I let everyone else down.
What is your definition of guilt?
The guilt showed up in each person’s body differently. Some people felt it in their throat, their stomach, their back, their shoulder. Some people experienced headaches; others experienced tension and fatigue and depression.
Where do you feel your guilt? Where is it present in your body?
Guilt can cause you to overly commit yourself. It can have you do things you really don’t want to do. It can make NOT speak up for yourself and give your power away to others. Guilt can have you make others more important than YOU.
When you uncover the guilt, you will often times find an underlying belief or expectation that sometimes was not even created by you. It might be time to examine these beliefs and expectations and see if they are working for you or not. If they are not, consider re-writing them based on what YOU believe.
Here are 10 ways to deal with guilt:
- Just choose to NOT go to the guilt. Just don’t let it in.
- Choose guilt instead of resentment, knowing the guilt will fade away but the resentment will fester and live inside of you.
- Look at whose responsibility a behavior or task is. You might realize it is not yours at all.
- Examine your expectation and see if it is realistic. You might see that your expectation is very high and might be unrealistic for anyone.
- Determine whose opinion matters the most—yours or the opinion of others.
- Look at your self-concept—how you feel about yourself. If it is challenging for you to put yourself first, start by taking little steps in this direction. Start by scheduling something each week just for you.
- Practice saying “no.” This might be challenging at first, but just do it and you will get better at it as you keep doing it.
- Notice how many times a day you say “I feel guilty.” Just notice and observe so that you will become aware of your guilt.
- Determine what your priorities are and stand strongly in them. If you make time on your calendar for a certain task that is important to you–guard it, protect it, and don’t let anyone take that time away from you.
- Eliminate words from your vocabulary such as: should, if only, can’t, try
If you want to do guilt differently, commit to one of these action steps each week. You will see a difference and you might not even feel guilty anymore!
Remember no one else can “make you feel guilty.” It is a choice only you can make.
“Nagging guilt is like gray paint splashed over life’s sparkling moments.” Sally Shannon
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